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Contentedness is Anathema to Me

My sister and I ask, what is it about us that makes us always looking out for something that we’re not doing now? It’s been like a huge life-long issue for us.

I don’t think we’re alone; I can’t imagine we are. We never seem satisfied. We want another animal. Or another career. Or to move. We don’t say “If I had this – or did that – I’d be happy.” But it’s something like that. Some of my friends would say I need Jesus. But I already have Jesus. Jesus changed my life, don’t get me wrong! But I still feel like there’s something missing.

The answer finally dawned on me today. A few months ago I read a book called Lost Connections that I can’t get out of my mind. He talks about nine different anti-depressants that have nothing to do with medication. It could be the most paradigm-shifting, life-changing book you ever read. Some of it, you’ve never heard before. And some of it might be something you’ve intuitively considered. But to have him explain it with full examination of  meta-analysis, is enlightening… no…astounding.

My sister is one of the most multi-talented people I know. She has remarkable competence for a huge variety skills. She has a work ethic few people will top. She is kind, generous and compassionate. Everyone who knows her knows this about her. Although, I don’t know she fully gets it.

I am aware that I have many skills and talents. I actually spend a lot of time recognizing, through journaling and prayer, the many gifts I have been given. And I am working on changing my life story to one of opportunity, not misfortune.

But we still live with anxiety of a different, better future. I am writing this today to reach people who are like us because you might have heard the answer is to learn to be content. And I believe that answer is fatal.

Contentedness is anathema to people who have a spirit of … what shall we call it… Wanting More. A goal of contentedness for people like us is a sure way toward mind-numbing addictions to cause us to surrender.

The reason we live with anxiety for wanting more is because we are not living up to our potential!

And it is our responsibility; our obligation to do so! We have to keep fighting. We have to keep dreaming. I believe our goal needs to be more energy, somehow, to keep searching; keep climbing. Our goal needs to be to keep caring. We have to believe people need us! Because people need us! We have to believe the vast talents, life experience, and mental and physical abilities have been given to us for a reason. And if we have not discovered that reason, it is our duty to figure it out.

I will die exploring what is my potential. Although I have bouts of depression because my search seems so void, by God’s grace I have a husband and friends who will shepherd me out, and get me on my feet again. But our friends need to know, contentedness is not the goal. What encouragement is a friend who tells us not to fall asleep. Like the mountaineer struggling to stay awake from exhaustion, her partners keeps her walking to keep her alive. That’s the companionship we need.

Sisters everywhere – we have to be brave enough to tell our story. Don’t be ashamed of you are. Speak up. Show up. Try something else. Let your discontent disrupt you into trying something else even more meaningful. Pray for energy. Help someone up. Be helped. This is my call for help. I need help. I’ve started a hashtag: #BeAmazingTheMovement for people who want to keep getting better, and who need the empathy of others to give them energy and breath and revitalization.  I hope you’ll post your success and needs and support.

Health is not linear learning

This blog could change your life! Don’t miss it!

My husband is going to school to be a certified Health Coach, and one of his assignments has been to go on a 21-day cleans. The idea is to eliminate all foods – even foods you’re addicted to like coffee and alcohol and cheese — that could be inflammatory. (Inflammation being the root of all evil.) You don’t add any supplements necessarily, but you would have to find some substitutes for missing calories, which are usually in the form of vegetables. Eventually you start adding your favorites back in, while being mindful of how your body responds.

Through this, we have developed new relationships with food. We have always been somewhat healthy,  but we are quitting more foods that cause pain, and introducing more foods that cause healing.

There are two ways people learn that I know of: linear and cyclical (my words). Linear teaches that you have to understand 2 x 2 before moving on to the square root of 2. Cyclical introduces you to 2 x 2, and then to what a square root is, and then cycles back to 2 x 2 regularly. Math is maybe a bad metaphor. In language and history it makes more sense: In linear thinking, you’d have to learn everything about Dr. David Livingstone in a day or so, and then you’re on to the next hero. In cyclical learning, Livingstone’s name would come up throughout all your years of education, with a goal of putting context to new learning.

Linear thinking is dangerous. It teaches perfectionism. And sets learners (and teachers) up for failure. It’s the way I was taught to teach in the public school system. When I watched teachers teach cyclically, in the ABEKA program, I saw them put perspective on today’s learning based on yesterday’s learning.

It set kids up to win because humans by nature are cyclical. Our hours, days, weeks, years, decades and entire lives naturally ebb and flow in a cyclical fashion.

I have met a lot people who have gone on diets; who have “tried” Paleo or Keto or whatever is trendy. Most people say “it worked.” I imagine because it helped them lose weight, which, unfortunately, sadly, is most people’s health and wellness goal. But now their weight is back, and they don’t like it, and so they’d like to get back to it again.

The conversation usually has a guilty tone. As if they failed.

But they missed the point! The point is: Did they learn anything by adding more healthy choices? And what habits are they still putting into place today? The idea that you have to maintain this perfect food plan for the rest of your years is just silliness! If Warren and I thought we could maintain forever this very clean diet we’re attempting to live, we’d be seriously lying to ourselves!

I’m not talking about the 80/20 plan, where 80% of your decisions are good, and the other 20% you can safely blow it and not feel guilty. I’m talking about allowing yourself to be real! I’m talking about learning what decisions will bring you better health, trying them out, and feeling the difference when you do them/not do them.

When they’re right for you, eventually they’ll stick! (And lead to better health, long-term.)

When you embark on a new health plan, train yourself (allow yourself!) to make rational decisions about what is realistic for your life… cyclically.

The most important thing, as you’re making new healthy choices, is to be mindful about what New you can integrate into Old and the next New. For example: let’s say you decide a Mediterranean-type diet of vegetables, fruits, herbs, nuts, beans, whole grains and healthy fats would fit your life-style.

After a few weeks, you crave that addictive fast food, and you’re back to your old habits. However, in the meantime, you learned you adore cauliflower, sautéed in bone broth, a bit olive oil and sea salt. Even if this is the only habit you take back to your old self, that’s great!

Next time you go back to Mediterranean cooking, you might find another new habit. If you slip back into the old way again, just at least take one more new habit: snacking on nuts instead of chips, eating slower, introducing fresh greens.

I believe with every fiber of my heart, the more you allow yourself grace to ebb and flow out of and into your old self, the more your new healthy-self will emerge. I believe it’s the judging, the chastising, the punishing of your self-esteem that leads to failure. I believe eventually you will find a better way to take care of yourself.

who am i

If I don’t say “now-a-days” because only old people say that, does that mean I’m denying who I am, Or being sensitive to the times? Am I trying too hard to be like the young people, Or am I blending in?

I don’t want to grow old so desperately that I am ultra- sensitive to idioms and styles and obsessions that measure up to 2019-times.

Yes, this makes me a product of my mother. My mother, the person who refused chemotherapy when she had cancer because she didn’t want to lose her hair. At the time I was dumbfounded: “ARE YOU CRAZY!” I thought, “What does losing your hair have to do with survival?”

Well, now I know it has everything to do with it. Although my mother was a beauty queen, and I am most certainly not, I might make the same choice if I had to. Don’t judge. If there’s one thing I know about people – I mean: KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt- All people are different! What motivates you, inspires you, causes you to want to wake up in the morning, was not the same for my mother.

Don’t you wonder: If your identity was cleaned away from you – everything you worked for, stood for, fought for, thought about. Everything you saw when you looked in the mirror vanished – what would be your response?


For reals… What would you need?

I do those personality tests where they ask questions about your reaction to certain situations, and then they ask questions about what your friends would say about you in certain situations. They use the answers to help you define your character. It helps when looking for work, or finding meaning in how you respond to life. They have been a tremendous boost to me in the last few years. Although I answer as honestly as I can, I always feel like I have to make up the parts about how friends would define me. How would I know? I have friends, I even have people I call best friends. But I don’t spend time with them. No one asks me to have tea with them. Or dinner. Or a drink. I love them, but very rarely does anyone call me to chat about life. Most of them don’t even read my blogs.

So how do I assign meaning and value to my life outside of what I see in the mirror, or at my job? Parents, how do you assign value to your life outside of your role as a mom or dad? Who are you really if it’s not what you spend most of your physical and mental energy cultivating?

Do you get it? Everyone wants to preach to me that my value is more than what I do, but that’s not reality to me. And I’m guessing it’s not reality to a lot of people. Which is why it’s urgent that we don’t judge other people for any reasoning or belief or philosophy about how they do life.

I don’t want to be perceived as old! It’s long road between a useful me who cares about life, and a frail one.

That’s who I am. That’s my reality. When I am slow, or can’t see the tiny print on the menu, my value is threatened. When I am most alive, I am energy! and strength! I know it could have terrible consequence. I know it’s erroneous. But that’s me.

Who are you? What threatens your survival? What do you wake up for? What makes your average day into an awesome one?

What I am saying here is there is no more important character trait than empathy. Find common ground that has comparisons of equal value to you. Empathy is the game-changer. Empathy builds love, connection, camaraderie. Empathy saves lives. Even when their choices confound you, empathize. Even when you know a different truth, empathize.

Muscle Gain? or Fat Gain?

Most people know that muscle weighs more than fat.

But if you have started an exercise program and the scale is still not showing lower numbers, and in fact showing higher numbers, are you really gaining muscle or fat?

I have frequently heard women who are new to exercise tell me their weight is going up. Friends will then comfort her with “Well, you know muscle weighs more than fat, so you’re probably gaining muscle.”

This is not necessarily the case. And in fact, not the case at all. Sorry!

What’s probably happening is, these new exercisers are justifying extra portions of food, not always just because they want it, but because they are hungrier. This makes dropping weight really hard, and makes exercising really hard to justify. But no one said losing weight was easy! (More on this in a paragraph or two.)

Let me tell you what’s happening in the first few weeks of a well-prepared exercise program.

When you start an exercise program, you are not actually making strength gains, and by extension muscle gains. What is really happening is something just as amazing: you are making brain gains. It’s like the brain and the muscles/tendons/ligaments of a person new to exercise, speak two different languages. When you begin an exercise program your muscles/tendons/ligaments learn how to speak the same language as the brain (or the other way around, I’m not sure).

This is pretty cool! In this phase, it is so important to be patient! You will start to notice better mobility, better balance, more coordination, a taller walk, etc. But this phase of your program does not necessarily affect the scale. Or, more accurately said, it will not cause you to gain weight.

Let me address the extra hunger. With a good diet that is filled with plenty wholesome foods and zero or nearly zero processed foods, and with a properly designed exercise program, you should not experience too much need for extra calories.

In addition, with a properly designed exercise program, you will phase into a muscle gaining protocol so that yes, indeed, finally, you will notice the scale does not move, but your clothes are feeling like they stretched out overnight.

As always, share your goals with your personal trainer or coach! The type of exercise you do DOES make a difference!


I’m a gym-rat. And if you’re not, you might not quite get the implications of discipline in my life because of the time I spend in the gym.

We gym-rats — or people who workout, or your kids in PE — are a people who regularly and intentionally put ourselves in situations that we literally cannot do until we can. We systematically find things that are too hard to do, and then practice the mental and physical strength to do them. And then do them. And then every day, every day, every day, set another standard too high to reach today.

Don’t think that you can replicate this discipline any other way than in the gym. You can’t.

Of course, we all admire people with the discipline to get through school, or a level of professionalism. But there is an obvious and vital piece missing: Physical training

When shift hits the fan, and it will! we need to be as physically strong as we possibly can!

We will not BE our best possible self without physical strength. We will DO your best, do doubt. But we will not be our best possible self without a significant amount of muscle, and tendon, and ligament, and bone strength.

Physical strength cannot be gained without riding through discomfort. Literally, lifting heavy things, or moving really fast, hurts. Sometimes, when I’m working out, every brain neuron is telling me to turn off the heat because it is so uncomfortable. But shrouded over those quitting words is the memory that I must get better, and the only way to do that is to do what I said I was going to do.

This is discipline that is not replicable in any other situation. It’s not “have to,” it’s “Must do!”

I must train my mind to do the things that I don’t want to do! I must train my mind to withstand pain! Because I am human, and humans experience things they don’t want to. And humans experience pain. My goodness how imperative it is that our world exposes our children to this type of exercise!

They are learning, We are learning that, YES, I can pull through this (whatever life situation) because I’ve done it before! Or Yes, I believe my body can adapt to this change (I don’t like) – I do it every day. I’ve done it a million times in the gym! It’s not just time staring at ourselves in the mirror or shallowly bragging to our SM how much we lifted today, it’s genuinely getting better every day for the sake of (at the risk of getting too dramatic) survival!

What I’m asking you to take home today is to Be cognizant of the fact that when you’re getting cozy with those cold iron bars, grunting past a rep that you couldn’t do yesterday, you are gaining discipline that could quite possibly save your life.

Everything I ever learned about how to behave properly I learned in the gym

Many of us didn’t learn how to behave properly in our own homes, we had to learn it along the way. Many people had parents teach them about being polite, or pushing through setbacks, or being nice. I learned everything I need to know about how to behave properly in the gym. In fact, maybe some people need to be reminded how to transfer what they know in the gym to real life. Let me get real with you about how to behave properly starting from the gym.

Lesson number 1. Don’t play the victim.

My athletes know they are not allowed to say “It is cold,” or “It is hot,” because I would say: “IT” is not hot. YOU are hot in it. Take responsibility for your life! Once you take ownership of how you feel, you instantly feel a sense of autonomy and empowerment to make things different. “I am hot in it,” tells my mind I need to dress or hydrate differently next time. “it is hot,” means someone else has to take care of my needs. Or someone else is to blame. And you lose.

Lesson number 2. Recognize you have a choice.

I have a screwed up knee and two screwed up feet. When someone tells me they don’t run or play tennis or soccer, or whatever anymore because they tore their meniscus, or had knee surgery of some sort, my hackles go up! Every day I run in pain. It’s a choice I make because the alternative is anathema to me. When you have an injury of some sort, it is your choice not to play because you are not willing to do the movement necessary to keep it strong. Your knee will not bust off because of a tear. It will hurt. But with a  little regular strength training, you can control the damage and still be moving. Use language that tells the story that it is your choice. It was not chosen for you. That frees you up to get creative about how you can do what you want to do.

Lesson number 3. Hand out complements regularly

Smile and complement people no matter how beautiful they are. I’m not saying all people don’t need a complement, I’m saying beautiful people are not as self-deprecating, so it’s a little more fun. I spoke to one of those people years ago who told me she rarely ever hears a complement because everyone always assumes she already knows it. But she said she still likes a complement. And she graciously accepts. And it’s nice to not have your kind words trampled on by “Oh thanks BUT.… I have a long way to go… I look like shit today… I’m so fat…” etc.

Lesson number 4 – Accept a complement with a wide smile.

It’s not attractive to blow of someone’s complement! Smile and say Thank you! People don’t like their words or their sentiments to be wasted. It’s rude and it makes us less lovely. On the contrary, a smile and a gracious “Thank you,” makes us much more beautiful.

Lesson number 5 – Pain is temporary. Trust it will be over soon.

I race Obstacle Course Races, and I will guarantee you there is no more painful sport in terms of the effort it takes to race, and the grueling pursuit of training. No matter what your sport, if you want to improve you have to experience a little bit of discomfort or pain. Remember this when you’re stuck in traffic, or there is no hot water in the shower, or you have to wait extra long for your airplane: The pain is temporary. Trust it will be over soon. This was one of those giant paradigm shifts I experienced recently. I have panic attacks because of my trust issues. When I am able to get my mind right, that the pain is temporary; that I can trust it will end soon, I am able to talk myself out of the panic.

Lesson number 6 – Trust the process.

If you’re a person who has any sense for planning at all you know what I mean. There are times when we want to quit because the vision doesn’t seem to be anywhere near reality. But if we stop to look at the plan,  we see there is no way it can’t work, so we have to motor on through; trust the process.

Lesson 7 – Get out of people’s way. Even if they’re assholes.

Chances are, they are not assholes, they’re just having a bad day, but sometimes they are assholes because they just don’t know how to behave. We are not going to change them by getting in their face. I’ll never forget, many moons ago, when I was a newbie gym-rat, I reached for a set of dumbbells to do something- I can’t remember, let’s say it was biceps curls. I turned to work, and this giant muscle-head dude sitting on an incline bench behind me lit into me about getting in the way of his mirror image. I was dumbfounded. I apologized and moved. I was young then, and very insecure, so I would never have picked a fight. But now, even more I wouldn’t because I don’t want to waste one milli-second of mental energy on things I can’t change. We can’t change asshole or a bad day by getting combative. That also goes for responding to stuff we disagree with on Facebook or any social media.

Lesson 8 – Sometimes you’re feeling like Shit. That’s ok.

Even perfectionist social-butterflies are allowed to have bad days! People will forgive us for not being the life of the party! You don’t feel like working out because you don’t want to talk to anyone?! GO ANYWAY! Put your headphones on, hunker down and go. Better yet, don’t put your headphones on, don’t hunker down and be real with people who ask. “I feel like shit today. Don’t bother me.” That gets respect! Being real with people is always better than not being real. We don’t need to unload all of our problems, but we can be real about how we’re feeling in the moment.

Lesson 9 – Know your Why

Sometimes I move through pain. Through apathy. Through disappointment. Through agony of wanting to quit for one reason only: I don’t want to be on any medication! I’m just shooting straight with you. No judgement. It’s just me. But I just do not want to be in such a mental state that I have to take medication. I’m not one of those naturally happy people, so I have to work very hard at it. About every few months I take a dose of four ibuprofen to eliminate the inflammation in my knee and body. And the relief I get, I imagine, is what people who get high feel when they smoke dope. It’s such a beautiful thing for about 36 hours. But I practice restraint every day. I’ll be real with you, I tell you this because I want to inspire someone to be strong like I am about it. I don’t want to be on drugs! If that is you too, we have to get up EVERY DAY and make the choice to make the right decisions! Exercises is ALWAYS the right decision. Getting outside is always the right decision. Exercise outdoors with no headphones so you can practice mindfulness is frequently the right decision. Know your why and make the right decision.

Lesson 10 – Stare in the mirror regularly

Vanity saves my life every day. Those who get judgmental about people who spend an hour or more looking the mirror don’t understand that it is the game-changer in our usefulness on this planet. I am much more motivated to teach and inspire and lead others (i.e. use my gifts) when I am feeling good about myself. I feel good about myself when I am fit and strong and muscular. I am feeling weak and insecure and less useful when I don’t exercise. Anyone who goes to the gym probably feels the same way. Don’t ever feel guilty for wanting to look at yourself in the mirror. Or for being motivated to get up in the morning so you can watch your muscles grow. There is a very good chance it’s those exact moments that are building your confidence and courage to be a better parent, co-worker, daughter or person.

Decision Balance


have positivity all around me. But I’m swallowed by self-pity.

Do you put a time-limit on trying too hard inside pools of uncertainty? Do you set a standard for how long you’ll endure paddling upstream? How much positive thinking can a person absorb before admitting it’s never going to be me.

I know I’m not alone! But I feel alone. I’m wondering if I should keep laboring or quit laboring.

Does this sound familiar?

I have a process I give clients called “Decision Balance,” to help them decide whether or not they really want to go through with an action plan for a goal. It measures, for example, if someone is ready to embark on a weight loss plan. Or a race-prep program. Or a get healthy so I can live a better life when I’m old program. Or a move to another city and start a new business program.

They answer four statements:

Quadrant 1: Benefits of saying Yes (‘ll follow through)!

Quadrant 2: Benefits of saying NO (nevermind, I don’t want to do this).

Quadrant 3: Consequences of saying Yes! (If I do this, what’s the price?)

Quadrant 4: Consequences of saying NO. (If I don’t do this, what’s the price?)

In quadrant 4- Consequences of saying NO- If the answers don’t bring you to tears, you’re probably not really,  ready to say Yes! It’s the gateway to your Why. And cling-worthy when you are where I am at right now.

Unwittingly, I’ve been an entrepreneur most of my working life. And since I didn’t really know that’s what I was, I didn’t prepare very well. I just went about my day. Today, I am paying for my foolishness; paddling a swift upstream.

I’m feeling so beaten and crushed, and yet, when I think of quitting, I’m in quadrant four. And I’m not me. I’m someone else. The price is just too high for quitting! I’ve pivoted. And I’ve pivoted again. And again. So I’m not inflexible. I’m malleable, and willing, and desiring to be resilient, and creative and tenacious and wise, and I am wise and experienced and knowledgeable, but then the years tick by and I’m still back here and not out there. My life is a result of all the choices I’ve ever made. I’ve made my bed and now I lie in it, said another way, depending on if your cup is half full or half empty.

The point I guess I’m making is, being hopeful is better than not being hopeful especially if the consequences of not saying Yes! devastate you. It’s easy to forget your Why when the alarm rings too early. Or when the mirror doesn’t reflect what you want to see. Or your surroundings aren’t revealing what you’ve been seeking. Remember your Why. Give it a vision. Give Quadrant 4  vision. Cry about it and relentlessly progress forward.










I have this problem with directions.

I get into my car (for ages this has happened, probably my whole 37-year driving career) I turn on the radio, or a podcast, or my thoughts about life, and I am suddenly on the wrong path.

I know, when I get behind the wheel, where I’m going. I’m intentional about that- I’m going to visit my husband at work. I’m going to the hotel where I’m booked. I’m going to work. I’m going to a trailhead. But within short order, my thoughts have veered my car in the wrong direction. I have to stop my train of thought, and re-direct my course. This happens ALL THE TIME!

Even though, I’m aware of this, and I have said to myself over and over again: FIGURE OUT YOUR ROUTE FIRST, then go, I still get lost.

And so today, I did it A-gain! I knew where I was going. I’ve been there before. I saw in my head the route, I put on podcast, and I made a wrong turn.

And so, infuriated with myself, I yelled: “This is my life! This is my reality!” I have a goal; I might even have a vague idea of the route, But I don’t have enough intention to follow the course. I know what I want, but I don’t have 100% commitment to follow directions. I have intention of getting from here to there, but I get distracted!

I am proud of my ability to be intuitive, but it has gone too far! Sometimes I have to stick with a plan! I do too much Fire-Aiming. And not enough READY-Fire-Aiming!

Damn! I’ve been missing the Ready step all this time! I’ve been giving 99% and not 100%! If 99% swings me off-course too often, I might as well have been giving 0%!

I’m not berating myself! I’m being real. 100% is an absolute necessity! I believe it is my obligation to be successful, and if I don’t find a way to stay on course, I will fail the world. (Whatever that is for me: my community, my friends, my city, my state, my country – I don’t know yet)

I have way too much to share to be complacent about my shortcomings. Starting today, I’m going to ready my map, and I’m going to study path, and then drive.

100% and nothing less

I think when you lose, you can’t really, for reals, honestly say you tried your best.

I go into any competition saying “All I can do is give my best… 100% of what I have. That’s all I have.”

But today I lost. And I’m not really sure I can walk away saying I for reals 100% gave my best. I failed. And I failed big.

No, I’m not “brave” for doing it in the first place. Thank you for the compliment. But competing is what I do. And, yes, I believe I worked very hard. And honestly, I sacrificed a lot of things toward this goal.

Nevertheless… I’m disappointed. Man, am I disappointed!  I hate that I spent an absurd amount of energy into sculpting my body into something the judges would like, and they didn’t even notice me. I’m angry about setting a goal that I thought would be reasonable, and yet I wasn’t even close. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to win when I want it!

I don’t want a lecture about how I should be thankful for the opportunity. Or it’s the Process that is supposed to give me the most joy. Or that I should be thankful I won second place two years ago without any sacrifice.

Truth be told, I want you to feel sorry for me. And I want you to tell me that what I thought was my best can be improved upon.

I know I’m not alone.

Here’s why we can’t give up. Because our best is sometimes not good enough.

What I mean is, you’re probably capable of SO MUCH MORE than what you thought was your best.

I want big muscles. For no other reason than I like it. It has no great meaning other than to me. And I guess I want to be honored for it at NPC competitions. Your goals may be just as mundane, or they may be profound. No matter, they are your goals and that makes them important.

I think as long as you still want something for yourself it’s always worth your best effort. Only better.


I wasn’t a jock in High School. I certainly wasn’t in college. In fact I wasn’t a jock until well into my fourth decade.

Now, it’s an identity I really dig wearing.  I mean I really love it!

Identities are interesting. We, kind of like acting the part of who we want to be.

I saw a woman today living in a wheel chair, noticeably sick, with oxygen attached. Severely obese. And I thought: There is a very good chance this woman will forever be making compromises between what she wants to feel and what she can feel.

I am new to the concept of creating the life I want. Until recently, I squandered the opportunities, privileges, and wisdom God has so lavishly given me. I had the revelation that it is up to me to take my life by the balls and F****** Live! “Look at where you’re going! See where you want to go! It is MIND, body and spirit. Get your MIND RIGHT, sister, and make a plan!”

In that vein, I made a decision, among other things, that I want to “Feel” certain ways. For example, I want to Feel Attractive. And by that I mean, I want to be a person people want to be around. I don’t want to be heavy, or burdensome or down or dreary. I want to be light and sunshine. You know? I want to be attractive in every way. I want to be a person people like to look at. I want to be a person people want to talk to. That is attractive to me.

But this woman I saw today, her face in obvious pain, will probably forever in this life have to compromise between what she wants to feel and what she gets to feel. We all have to do that to some extent. We all have to make compromises to some degree.

Identities are an interesting thing. So this Me of being a Jock, I thought it’s the first time I’ve ever identified with anything I actually like! And I really, really like that! I like the way I walk. I like the cheer in my conversation about my passions. I like that I can smile SO MUCH MORE. I like the way when I enter a room it’s obvious what I do and some people want to talk about it. I like the way I dress. I like the people I’ve come to know who share the same interests.

And I thought, our differences should be so cool to each other! Don’t you love an artist? She processes thoughts in a whole different way than you. Don’t you love an engineer, or the Horse-Lady who just wants to talk about her animals, or one of those guys who loves to work on cars, or bicycles, or guns: the enthusiasm in his voice with things you’ve never heard of! How they dress, and walk, and think. I just love our differences!

I just want to be a person who loves our differences. Can you see how that could really impact the world? If we made a habit of that? Can you see someone insecure in the identity they’ve chosen, or ended up in by some horrible circumstance and you come along and loved them and they see more in themselves than they’ve ever seen before and they decide they want to change and be something amazing and not insecure? How that could change the world?

I really, really like that.

January 25, 2017