There are a lot of things I can do to improve the way I look including shaving my legs, wearing just the right shade of foundation, and coloring my hair. All of which I do.
I have this thing I do with all my clients where I ask them to give me three individual words that precisely describe how they want to feel. One of mine is: “I Want to Feel Attractive.”
I want to feel attractive because, well….honestly, the opposite is… Repelling. I like being a person people want to approach, talk to, be around, share life with. So I participate in socially acceptable things like whiten my teeth and wear clean clothes. I even practice kindness and compassion, just in case those attributes have any effect on dark circles or supple skin.
Somewhere along the way, however, I turned “Attractive” into “Younger Than I Am.” Or “Absent Of Any Deformities That Are A Representation Of My Age.”
I have come to be a person who argues too often with her wrinkles. Shouts profanities at her defects. Abhors slower race paces. It’s come to be much more than just trying to cover up. Frankly, it’s become an unhealthy relationship with reality.
I just don’t think I want to live like that anymore. I don’t know what caused me to be so obsessed with wanting to be 36 forever. But I’m ready to let that go.
I want to feel like it’s an honor to be an aging person. I want to respect every stage of the process.
I’m not going to lie, as freeing as it feels to release myself from the responsibility of trying to be something I am not, it’s also a vulnerable place. I don’t want people to say anything “…. for her age.” I fear if I wear a necklace, people will ask “what happened to your neck?” I don’t want to be judged because I’m moving too slow. I don’t want to hurt.
I just feel like aging is really hard. But there’s no way around it. And I think the best way to deal with all of its annoyances is to accept it. Do the best we can to make healthy choices, so at least we’re setting ourselves up to win. And love the process… somehow.
Anyone want to go with me?